by Jon Valdivia
Coaching is a self-directed process. When I think about being self-directed, I have an image of a person driving a car. The driver knows where he starts and where he wants to end up. Even if he had no (already decided beforehand) destination, he would still be responsible for each turn he took, the maintenance of the car, and deciding what to do in the case of unexpected (sudden unplanned bad events/crashes). There is no "I wasn't driving this car" excuse when you are the driver.
Your coach doesn't give you instructions, nor does he set goals or destinations. You will state where point north. You say where you want to go with your life, and the coach will be there to support this self-directed process. Here's why.
Big time authors in the field of self-development have spent the last twenty years repeating that only five in every one hundred people are self-directed. The same authors suggest that this is the reason why most people don't feel truly satisfied, and blame facts or conditions (that surround someone), problems, or other people for how life turned out. It seems that only a small percentage of most people end up where they meant to be, and live lives of (getting what is wanted), meaning, and deep-felt happiness (from meeting a need or reaching a goal).
According to this claim, the other 95% of people/of the group is outer-directed. This means we have a large number of people acting because they have to, not because they choose to. To give you a brief description of your outer-directed neighbors, they tend to...
I guarantee that answering these questions by yourself, with a friend, or with your coach, will start shedding light on what you can do to be self-directed, take charge, and move forward in any given situation.
Let me invite you to take responsibility for your life, your whole life. The world needs self-directed people, people that can think for themselves, people that give the best of themselves, people that develop the skills and attitudes of champions, people that will serve as role models for the rest of us, as sources of inspiration. The world needs the unusual/amazing hero that makes us want to take life to the next level and give something of ourselves.
Coaching is a self-directed process. When I think about being self-directed, I have an image of a person driving a car. The driver knows where he starts and where he wants to end up. Even if he had no (already decided beforehand) destination, he would still be responsible for each turn he took, the maintenance of the car, and deciding what to do in the case of unexpected (sudden unplanned bad events/crashes). There is no "I wasn't driving this car" excuse when you are the driver.
Your coach doesn't give you instructions, nor does he set goals or destinations. You will state where point north. You say where you want to go with your life, and the coach will be there to support this self-directed process. Here's why.
Big time authors in the field of self-development have spent the last twenty years repeating that only five in every one hundred people are self-directed. The same authors suggest that this is the reason why most people don't feel truly satisfied, and blame facts or conditions (that surround someone), problems, or other people for how life turned out. It seems that only a small percentage of most people end up where they meant to be, and live lives of (getting what is wanted), meaning, and deep-felt happiness (from meeting a need or reaching a goal).
According to this claim, the other 95% of people/of the group is outer-directed. This means we have a large number of people acting because they have to, not because they choose to. To give you a brief description of your outer-directed neighbors, they tend to...
- Think and behave with the public, go where everyone else goes. It's only later that they think carefully about how they got there in the first place.
- Live by the standards set by their surrounding conditions, their peer group, or their business behavior rules. (?)
- Explain life using the "this is the way things are" card.
- Adopt their beliefs from (the health of the Earth/the surrounding conditions) without clear and sensible filtering or questioning.
- Need rewards from their surrounding conditions in order to get them moving.
- Blame their disappointments on external elements: the stock market, an illness, (the) unavoidable, already-decided future, God, bad luck, the wrong partner, their boss, the past, the future, or the flying spaghetti monster. (Note: outer-directed people may also believe that their successes are the result of "good luck".)
- Assume life should happen differently, and grow angry (because of mistreatment) because things do not work in their favor. They are at the effect of facts or conditions (that surround someone), not at the cause.
- Become experts on why the world is out of control, and develop a sense of learned helplessness.
On the other hand, you have that rare individual who is self-directed. This person wakes up in the morning believing he is the master of his own future. He or she tends to...
- Know where he or she is going. A destination has been consciously chosen.
- Sets his or her own standards in any situation/event.
- Explains life with the "this is what my belief about things are" card. Your self-directed neighbor adopts her beliefs from the health of the Earth/the surrounding conditions, but molds them through (thinking about and knowing about yourself), good reading, re-(figuring out the worth, amount, or quality of), truth-looking (for), and testing in real life situations.
- Is internally (gave a reason to do something). He has his own reasons to get himself to where he wants to go. He feels his own rewards when he gets there, and needs nobody to compliment him on his (challenging things accomplished or completed). External rewards and approval are just an added bonus.
- Takes responsibility of facts or conditions (that surround someone), surprises, or problems along the way. There is no blaming the world, there is no complaining, nor complaining. (Note: a self-directed person develops a sense of thankfulness for his "good luck", and a sense of ownership towards his "good fortune")
- Develops a sense of purpose and meaning.
- Doesn't wish for life to behave any differently than it does. The boss shouldn't be smarter than he is, and the sky shouldn't be more blue than it is. Instead, a self-directed person looks for challenges and opportunities in order to shape their facts or conditions (that surround someone), beliefs, behaviors, and internal attitudes towards learning something, and drive the situation to an acceptable end.
After this short description, I don't think I have to sell you on the "which one is best" cheap and silly thing. On the one hand it's easier and more comfortable to be outer-directed. It's the easy and cozy part of being a child forever. It's the sweet security that comes from believing that something or someone else is in charge of life and should take care of us. It's the peacefulness that comes from knowing there is someone or something else to blame. On the other hand, I believe it's really tough to live life feeling powerless, slowly falling into the trap that it's not up to us to "make life behave", to change things, to improve situations. It really is very hard to live angry (because of mistreatment) towards life because it didn't give us what we wanted, or because it took from us what we valued. Being outer-directed leaves us weak, sad, (distrustful and suspicious of people), tired, aim-less, spirit-less. And that's a high price to pay.
So let me sell you on being self-directed (if you are reading this website I don't think there is much selling to do, anyway). On the one hand, being self-directed is tough. You look into the mirror and need to take responsibility for how you look. You look into your heart, and need to take responsibility for your feelings, your angry feelings (over being mistreated), your dreams and hopes. You look into your mind, and need to take responsibility for your values and beliefs. You face a challenge, and you need to answer to yourself how you got there, which part you are playing, and what are you going to do about it. That's tough, on-going, never-ending work. The good news is... it pays off: you grow a sense of purpose, your goals begin to get clearer, your become more and more aware of your values, and you start making your life a work of art. In the end, you are shaping yourself, winning (by force) your habits, and growing educated, and mature... Free.
Being self-directed needs/demands walking the path less taken. If you've never walked down this path before, it will take training, new thinking habits, courage and plenty of (thinking about and knowing about yourself), BUT-it's the beginning of what Immanuel Kant called understanding: "Understanding is man's coming into view from his (something that people choose to do to themselves) immaturity. Immaturity is the inability to use one's understanding without guidance from another."
Being self-directed means playing by your own rulebook. When you set your own goals and standards, you naturally need to set your own laws. There will be behaviours that will be OK for some but not for you anymore. There will be performance levels that will be OK for some but not for you anymore. That is why our friend Kant says that "A free will must be acting under laws that it gives to itself."
Most people believe that freedom comes when there are no restrictions. (opposite from what's expected), studies on performance, along with (related to thinking about how people think) and (related to religion or the soul) teachings, tells us time and time again that we (accomplish or gain with effort) freedom whenever we can set our own rules and play by them. Living with no rules and no standards leaves us without a sense of mastery over our own future. We start feeling like a ship without a rudder, captain, or crew. It breeds confusion, not choices. Freedom starts by naming the game, and choosing what you say YES and NO to in your world.
So, enough with explanation (of why something works or happens the way it does). How do you and your coach give it a kick on this self-directed performing job?
1. Stop the blaming, stop the complaining. Take responsibility. This also means stop blaming yourself, stop complaining about yourself. Take responsibility.
2. Now you've taken responsibility over your whole life. If we were to work together in a Life Coaching Online big picture, I would ask you to name which life situation, or challenge you would want to work on for starters. Yes, there may be plenty of areas in your life you want to work on, but you want to take it one step at a time.
3. Once you have chosen the situation or challenge to take responsibility for, you should answer the following questions:
So let me sell you on being self-directed (if you are reading this website I don't think there is much selling to do, anyway). On the one hand, being self-directed is tough. You look into the mirror and need to take responsibility for how you look. You look into your heart, and need to take responsibility for your feelings, your angry feelings (over being mistreated), your dreams and hopes. You look into your mind, and need to take responsibility for your values and beliefs. You face a challenge, and you need to answer to yourself how you got there, which part you are playing, and what are you going to do about it. That's tough, on-going, never-ending work. The good news is... it pays off: you grow a sense of purpose, your goals begin to get clearer, your become more and more aware of your values, and you start making your life a work of art. In the end, you are shaping yourself, winning (by force) your habits, and growing educated, and mature... Free.
Being self-directed needs/demands walking the path less taken. If you've never walked down this path before, it will take training, new thinking habits, courage and plenty of (thinking about and knowing about yourself), BUT-it's the beginning of what Immanuel Kant called understanding: "Understanding is man's coming into view from his (something that people choose to do to themselves) immaturity. Immaturity is the inability to use one's understanding without guidance from another."
Being self-directed means playing by your own rulebook. When you set your own goals and standards, you naturally need to set your own laws. There will be behaviours that will be OK for some but not for you anymore. There will be performance levels that will be OK for some but not for you anymore. That is why our friend Kant says that "A free will must be acting under laws that it gives to itself."
Most people believe that freedom comes when there are no restrictions. (opposite from what's expected), studies on performance, along with (related to thinking about how people think) and (related to religion or the soul) teachings, tells us time and time again that we (accomplish or gain with effort) freedom whenever we can set our own rules and play by them. Living with no rules and no standards leaves us without a sense of mastery over our own future. We start feeling like a ship without a rudder, captain, or crew. It breeds confusion, not choices. Freedom starts by naming the game, and choosing what you say YES and NO to in your world.
So, enough with explanation (of why something works or happens the way it does). How do you and your coach give it a kick on this self-directed performing job?
1. Stop the blaming, stop the complaining. Take responsibility. This also means stop blaming yourself, stop complaining about yourself. Take responsibility.
2. Now you've taken responsibility over your whole life. If we were to work together in a Life Coaching Online big picture, I would ask you to name which life situation, or challenge you would want to work on for starters. Yes, there may be plenty of areas in your life you want to work on, but you want to take it one step at a time.
3. Once you have chosen the situation or challenge to take responsibility for, you should answer the following questions:
- Why do I want to take responsibility for this situation?
- Who have I been until now to have arrived to this situation?
- What part of me plays a role in being here?
- What do I believe about this situation?
- What about this situation is, at some level, comfortable or helpful to me?
- What is the result I want for this situation? WHY?
- Who do I have to become to drive this car to my desired destination?
- What values am I honoring by wanting to take this situation to my desired result?
- What would I have to believe in order to take this situation to my desired result?
- What actions can I take right now that would start me on the path to solving this situation?
- What is the plan?
- Who can I count on for support and responsibility for behavior?
- Am I committed?
I guarantee that answering these questions by yourself, with a friend, or with your coach, will start shedding light on what you can do to be self-directed, take charge, and move forward in any given situation.
Let me invite you to take responsibility for your life, your whole life. The world needs self-directed people, people that can think for themselves, people that give the best of themselves, people that develop the skills and attitudes of champions, people that will serve as role models for the rest of us, as sources of inspiration. The world needs the unusual/amazing hero that makes us want to take life to the next level and give something of ourselves.
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